I'm not really quite sure why I started a new blog. Maybe, I just need to get back in touch with me. I stopped working on my other blog in April-ish. This is the first I've sat in front of a computer to write. Maybe, I just got tired of focusing my blogging life on my kids and the world that ensues parenthood. Perhaps, albeit of both.
My entire life revolves around parenting and my children. There was a time in my life where that wasn't so. I was a "free spirit". I had time to stay up all night, party, actually have friendships, and time for myself. I guess in a sense I took myself for granted.
When, I was younger I just knew that I was going to grow up (even though growing up is a trap) and that I was going to be a writer, an artist, just something phenomenal. These are now things I used to be. I've been at a creativity block since about 2-3 months after I turned 18. It wasn't until my twenties that I became a parent and forgot who I was.
My creativity block is a tricky one. You see when I was 18 I really fell in love. I was no longer in high school but still dealt with a lot of high school drama among friends and even in my own life. Life is a long winding road with ups and downs and crazy ass turns that you're just not always prepared for which is what happened.
I turned 18 in August 2001. We started dating on my birthday. He died that October. The last thing I did with him prior to his death was get into an argument over some stupid shit. We all used to hang out at this Diner. That's where we met. We knew each other before we even met. I could feel his presence there. I turned to him and announced who he was and he did the same to me. It was in that moment, that meeting when we had an instant connection however short lived it may have been. I never had the chance to tell him what he truly meant to me.What I wouldn't give just to feel his touch one last time.
Prior to his murder I had started a piece of art. He told me that I shouldn't have drawn on that blank canvas that I would need it, but I did anyway. I finished the painting shortly after his death as well as 15 or so poems after sitting up in my room for 3 days in tears, listening to My Dying Bride, my final physical connection to him.
That's when it happened. I couldn't write anymore. I have only picked up a pencil once since then to draw a portrait of my friends' brother after he died. She had no pictures of him and I felt bad for her. They were so close. I swear it's this town. It sucks the life right out of you.
After he died and even before we had met, my relationships were always troubled and never had a happy ending. The same still stands to this day. Although, I haven't done any dating in the last 7-8 years. Not since my on again off again entered my life, but that is done now. No more. I just can't take it anymore.
I've looked at many beautiful pieces of art wondering if my art would have been that great. Maybe. I really don't know. Maybe if my life would have been different then it is now. Although, I do wonder. *MY MOMENT OF VENTING ABOUT PARENTING* Single parenting sucks.*OKAY I'M DONE* O_o
I want to share some of my art and poetry as it might help me get over this creativity block or at least I am hoping so. I've missed me for so long I don't know how to reach out to myself and pull me back from wherever it is I am lost at. Probably some dark abyss at the end of the world. I know somewhere I still exist. I just have to. I can't let that 12 year old little girl who was nominated for the Dickinson's Award slip away. She needs me and I need her now more then ever...
